What do you think your reaction actually did to the person across from you? Continue reading…
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Have you ever had a situation that goes off track, a mistake is made and expectations are violated? You might have felt your reaction come up fast, maybe full of frustration, and possibly even blame.
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When this happens, it's your brain raising a flag that something that is important to you just got threatened. Maybe your reputation, maybe your sense of control, maybe the outcome you were counting on. Your reaction is basically the road sign that is meant to show you that you are attached to an outcome. That attachment leads to disappointment and blame.
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I have watched leaders walk into conversations thinking they are addressing a problem, while the people on the receiving-end walk away feeling smaller, more cautious, and less willing to speak up the next time something goes wrong. Over time this creates an energy in the room where people spend more time and effort avoiding tension instead of improving the situation or the team's performance.
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There is a different way to handle these situations that keeps your standards high while strengthening your relationships at the same time. It starts with you catching yourself reacting instead of responding in that exact moment; recognizing that you are in reaction mode, and giving yourself just enough space to step back mentally and emotionally so you can become an observer of what is going on, instead of being a participant in it. You are now watching the situation instead of being pulled into it.
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From there, it's helpful to ask yourself, "What Is Actually Bothering Me Right Now? What Do I Want To Happen After This Conversation Is Over? Am I elevating this person instead of diminishing them so that they will want to help me? When you answer that honestly, your words start to line up with your intention instead of your emotion. Your tone changes to a kind tone and your message gets clearer.
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Another piece that makes a real difference is understanding the person in front of you on a deeper level. Every individual has their own drivers, pressures, motivators, demotivators and preference for receiving feedback. When you take the time to understand the other person, your message is much more likely to come across in the way you intend and you spend less time repeating yourself. People respond much better to feedback when they feel understood instead of just told what they did wrong.
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When people feel understood, everyone walks away feeling better, the work improves and the relationship gets stronger.
Look at your own day and be honest with yourself. Where do you feel a reaction jump out of you before you have a chance to think? What do you think would change if you slow down just enough to choose how you respond instead of letting your emotional brain change for you?
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If you’re reading this and one person or one situation just popped into your head, don’t ignore that! That’s the exact place to start. Send it to me or tell me what’s going on and we’ll walk through it together.
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About Carol:
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The Lion Tamer's Court, 16312 Highgate Drive, Riverside, CA 92503
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